Friday, December 30, 2005

saying it out loud has made it real.Now she can't pretend that it doesnt exist.

its waiting somewhere,holding its tongue,biding time and when she's least expectinhg it ,it will explode in her face.
when she's laughing at an inane joke cracked by a friend ,or is sprawled on her bed reading poetry that makes her smile,or basking in the winter sunshine just after a bath,the smell of shampoo not quiet gone will wait till all her defenses are down and slowly sneak up on her and explode.

Monday, December 26, 2005


There's not a Shakespeare sonnet
Or a Beethoven quartet
Thats easier to like than you
Or harder to forget

You think thats extravagant?
I haven't finished yet-
I like you more than I would like
To have a cigarette.


Friday, December 23, 2005

nothing makes sense anymore.

Monday, December 19, 2005

"he needs to put on his socks
And go far from his feet"


i love this man.

the ego balloon has been deflated.have feet firmly back on ground.
yes.thank you.i know i'm welcome.

Thursday, December 15, 2005


she didn't have a thousand and one days.much less in fact.
and she was fast running out of stories.

Monday, December 12, 2005

brains pickled in lust.or mush...err may be both

Thursday, December 08, 2005

the only time of the year when my hair when brushed hard,"crackles"with electricity.and if you are quiet and listen carefully,you can hear it "crackle".the only time when i can do the seventh grade physics trick...where you brush your hair hard and hold the comb against bits of paper,which go flying and stick to the plastic comb...
i'll know i'm old when this ceases to amaze me

Monday, December 05, 2005

ema jah!
am not crushed.or heartbroken.expected to cry into my pillow while listening to R.E.M
instead danced around like a lunatic while listening to "You Oughta Know"and "Smells Like Teen Spirit".yes, over and over again...well,atleast until parents threatened to throw me out.

P.S...head banging works better with shampooed and well-conditioned hair.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

it was as if he lived inside her head .she "talked "to him all of the time.if she was wondering about what to wear for her aunt's big anniversary party she'd ask him for advice.

she wanted to take antihistamines an hour later,she'd tell him to remind her.

she'd even enact entire fights ,yes, complete with the screaming ,ranting ,raving and namecalling .and the tears ...

which is why,meeting him in person became, rather watching repeat telecasts.

Sunday, November 27, 2005


the brackets remain and yet the commas have walked out.

ps:thank you sabi

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

she always felt like smoking ,after talking to him .
as if ,
talking was substitute.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

she had become rather accident prone lately.

when they were talking on the phone ,setting up first date,she hurt her foot bled and bloodied her bedsheet ,as she dreamt about him that night.
while engrossed in conversation ,during the date ,she had managed to break a glass and cut her thumb with it.there was spilt coffee and blood all over the pretty glass topped table.when she had gone to the loo to clean up the mess,she bled all over the floor, leaving big dramatic polka dots of red patterned on white tiles.

she cut herself again when the thumb finally healed.
blood came easy these days.

and now,he was gone ,and she was staring at her wrist thinking...she wanted more blood.

Monday, November 07, 2005


she had always thought herself to be rather generous.what she got,she shared.except now.
now ,...all those tiny bits of flattery ,she coins dropped into the piggy bank,sometimes taken out and counted ,but not spent.Or shared.
she was all saved up.For Tomorrow.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

all the tiny micro-organisms of envy inside me ,will procreate and multiply...and grow out of every pore of my skin ,
every thing thats covering me is slimy green .

Sunday, October 30, 2005

SNAP:the survivors network of abused priests!

the national aptitude test held by symbiosis

Friday, October 28, 2005


sprawled on my bed
Like pillows.

Friday, October 21, 2005

It festers .And simmers.and you watch with distaste...waiting.
Whoever said that "a watched pot never boils " was dead wrong.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

its a horrible day today .it rained all day (and yesterday night) and now its practically wearing three layers of clothing under the bed sheet (coulndnt find shawl)that i have wrapped around me.
i cant go to the verendah ..because i look like a loon ...
so much so that even the mirror looks a little horrified.....

neighbouring laundry-guy (who sometimes serenades me and my female friends)is walking about in bare-chest and red bermudas....he'll snicker if he sees me(at verendah). i'll shiver, shudder and freeze.
i wonder who's the loon here .him or me?

have had 3 million cups of coffee,and have smoked equal number of matter what i do ...the cold just refuses to go.

one good thing feet look very if they've just had a very expensive and thorough pedicure.apparently wading through water-logged college street is very good for feet!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


she saw him across the street ....buying some magazinefrom the pavement book seller....she almost called out...
"was he still seeing Neha?"
May be she should cross...tap him on the shoulder.He'd turn around ....(would he smile ?)say "hi .nice to run into you again"
quick flash of teeth (exchange r u doing hows neha).....
And then she'd walk away.Pretending.Not turning back for a second look.
May be she should cross
But the lights changed

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

thank GOD for instant noodles

Monday, October 17, 2005

Things we learnt at the Calcutta bloggers meet

1)that JAP knows reference to mia devlin ....apparently Eliot fans are also into pulp fiction (or as they are politely called....romantic thrillers, with very little thrill element)

2)that Jaded, Doel and i have watched Notting Hill far too many times(i dont know why though ..i dont even like the movie that much!!)

3)that Teleute would rather be called Tele-tubby..(apparently the interest she generates among pre-adoloscents and pre-pubescents has finally gotten to her)

4)that icecream sundaes, although very tempting to look at ,sometimes have flies stuck on them

5)that every blogger is separated from ,another ,not by six but two (sometimes one)degrees of separation.

unfortunately nobody offered to dance on table tops this time...although i came pretty close ,when i learnt that mah poetry written, as school kid is appreciated (honestly trina di i know a lot of women cant throw away junk, but storing poetry written by schoolkids,that too aeons ago , is taking things too far)

coffees were consumed..teas daintily sipped at ,pasties and icecreams ogled at, cleavages flashed...all in all we had a really nice time!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

read a "profound highly readable" "very moving " book yesterday.
story ran thus.....two very beautiful and popular ,other plain boring and bookish.(guess which one i liked?)
beautiful n popular(but frigid) sister marrries Guy-Who-Doesnt-Love-Her n has two kids ....plain n bookish grows up ,gets job,discovers hidden good looks and becomes attractive(they never become beautiful .always attractive)

When she's enjoying new-found prettiness,she falls in love with HorribleGuy, who ultimately breaks her heart.more drama follows ...blah blah

ultimately beautiful sister divorces Husband-Who-Doesnt-Love-Her and becomes happy single and fulfilled

And PlainJane turned Femme Fatale ends up with ,guess who, but highschool crush who never noticed her when she was Plain Jane.apparently he had always found her Attractive...(!!)
i stayed up till 2 reading this........WHY????.
coz i am a sucker for all ugly duckling stories.............and the part where the ex crush cannot recognize her because she is stunning??.......i luuuuurrrrv that part..

real life ,however, is very different (oh really?!!) met ex crush ......
was wearing kurta that was 3 yrs old ,torn and vvv dirty jeans .........on CrazyHair day.with kajal smudged for extra GiantPanda effect.

life ,i tell you , is just not fair.

why couldnt i be a character out of a book and not exist at all(except in book)??

Question:if you could be a character out of a book /movie/play (and would have to do everything the charcter did ..i.e not change story to suit you better....)who would you be?

Friday, October 14, 2005

List of things to do b4 i die

1)burn my diary .(apparently i bitch about every one in my diary .chee chee !!I'm a horrible person) even the miniscule number of friends ,i have will hate me and leave my corpse to rot if they come across diary.

2)burn all photographs ( its true, its true camera adds not 10 but 50 pounds and pimple scars and screws up hair)

3)gah............. forgot the third

Thursday, October 13, 2005

i'm no good at this ,reminds me of isc presci writing (needless to say i was really really bad at it!)

This was totally new .It felt alien.And it was Her dirty secret.She carried it around in her head...
Curled into a ball it had it had lodged itself inside her stomch....and when she thought about it....the shameful yet pleasnant knowing made her smile.Secretly.
What she did not know was that everyone Knew.

waaaaan , i cant think of five ppl i want to tag .but here goes .i tag DEV,JO,PSYCHO,FISHY,ANI(

Monday, October 10, 2005

am disgusted at self.
do not know what disgusts me more........that i actually have proved to myself that i'm unbearably stupid ........OR ......the fact that corny high-TRP-getting serials actually describe my life .
the quote that describes me, goes thus....

"he smiles at me once,and i'm picking out wedding china"

Someone give me a life!!!
yay! pujo eshe geche!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

"there will be time,there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet"

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

apparently i am not socially inept.

rolled my eyes so hard that contact lenses fell off

Monday, October 03, 2005

the morning newspaper
besides looking a little mutilated ........looks forlorn, as if it likes being read by me ,first.i think it likes me!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

am disgustingly happy today.drove people up the wall with "incredible sunniness".
now i'm scared of being blue again

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Mrs. Hobson's Choice

What shall a woman
Do with her ego
Faced with the choice
That it go or he go?

-Alma Denny

another one of those poems......(refer to previous post)
isnt it sad when people you 've almost heroworshipped turn out to be real?
and... well .....human?

damn i hate growing up!!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

i was re-reading a book today...couldnt finish re-reading since friend took it away(her logic :since i had already read the book i could wait ...which might seem reasonable to a lot of people ,but its not actually. not if you are me)
i have a very disgusting reading habit...i read books very very fast and at a stretch ....consequently i can remember very little of what i read in the book.
if however i like the book i do go back to it ...which is when the fun part begins!!it is then that i have the time to go "hee heee' or stop to think (or actually say it out loud).."awwww how cute"...
like when i read harry potter ....the weasley twins barely made any impression on me when i first read it ,well i think they are the cutest of the lot.(yup !a friend would luuuurrv to date one of the weasley twins)
only when i'm re-reading the book am i in not in a tearing hurry to finish it.I actually have the time to stop, stare out of the window and wonder what i'd do differently if were in the character's shoes .....that reminds me..
ever noticed how the girl/guy always ends up with the wrong guy/ least initially ?...well thats something i sooooo wouldnt do ....i mean, if i were scarlett or dominiqe or allanna or lata or maya .....or
oh well, since i'm not!!


peoples ares so weirrds

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Signs of dementia

1.suspecting that a very close friend secretly hates you...just because she didnt return your call in 2-3 days .

2.suspecting harmless schoolkids of stalking you just because they seem to take the same bus as you.

3.breaking into tears in the middle of a public transport ...without any reason

4.having EXTREME moodswings within a span of two minutes..(this when yo're NOT PMSing)

5.talking about your insanity in a blog ...where half the world can read it and laugh (this when you have katagelophobia!)

Friday, September 16, 2005


the phoolwalli has left this huge stack of sugarcane sticks at the entrance to my house.
and for some unknown reason the entire house smells like cakes!
feel like i'm a part of some bizzarre "magic realism"-ish book.
feel like i'm going to turn into a butterfly and fly out of window next!

ps:and yes i badly want to colour /paint something .and for some reason(i wonder why?)i cant find my colouring book or crayons or sketch pens....thus the above post!!

There are worse things than having behaved foolishly in public.
There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
Committed or endured or suspected;there are worse things
Than not being able to sleep for thinking about them.
It is five AM.All the worse things come stalking in
and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse
and worse.

Fleur Adcock

i want to crawl into a dark dark hole and hide ......preferably for the next century .
like always another writer has said what i wanted to ,before me!honestly ,sometimes i wonder if these people travel "forward" in time ,get inside my head and then steal my ideas!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

i'm either surrounded by geniuses
or have an IQ of a TOMATO.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

days and days and days of letting things go unsaid.
Wishlist for afterlife

in my next life i will be...

1)witty funny and articulate

2)less psychotic (maybe more neurotic........i like neurosis!)


4)less prone to inane crushes on people who are unaware of my existence

5)THINNER and taller (actually dont even want the latter .....just being thinner with a superfast metabolic rate would suffice)

6)better at quandtitative aptitude

7)capable of writing poetry that does not, sound ,read or in any way resemble shit

or so i wish...........

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Thank You

how 'bout getting off thase antibiotics
how 'bout stopping eating when i'm full up
how 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
how 'bout that elusive kudo

thank you India
thank you terror,
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how 'bout me not blamin you for everything
how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how 'bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you India
thank you terror.......

the moment i let go of it was
the moment that i got more than i coluld handle
the moment i jumped off of it was
the moment that i touched down

how 'bout no longer being masochistic
how 'bout remembering your divinity
how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how 'bout not equating death with stopping

thank you India
thank you Providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you Silence

Alanis Morisstette

song's been playing inside my head throughout the day .love alanis .love the song
why do i read blogs that i cannot comment on?(besides the fact that ,they can at times, be mildly entertaining)
read three blogs ...did not leave any comments ,coz i couldnt think of anything to say !!!......although i was pretty sure i had something to say.i just dont know what though!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

female bonding rocks!
culinary endeavours have not only been successful, but have also been wildly appreciated.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

would it kill me to actually want or aim for something thats attainable ?
culinary endeavoures have been immensely successful !!!!!

considering opening a "chocolaterie'.sigh!
if only i were juliet binoche .or had a johnny depp lookalike in mah city!!

if only wishes were horses.......

Friday, September 02, 2005

wouldja really like to know?

what kind of a loser thinks of sarcastic comebacks ,to comments that havent been vocalized and probably wont be any time in the near future ,given,that conversation with,the "commentee'has boiled down to zero...???

Thursday, September 01, 2005

parents have taken to sniffing at my hair these days .the objective?to determine if i smoked in college or not.

my options ?risk alopecia /permanent baldness OR being grounded for life!
uhm......conspiracies make me feel good

Monday, August 29, 2005

wanted:a sarcastic" cyrano ",(preferably female )who will always give me company ,and prompt ,cutting "put-u-in-your-place" remarks whenever the need arises .anyone fitting the job -description please appply

pay:5 countered Navy Cuts a jharoed Classic or Gold Flake King once in a while!

ps:(like cyrrano) the employees identity will not be disclosed to the person i'm trying to put in his/her place!!

Friday, August 26, 2005

wonders of wonders ! condition has a name.lots of names in fact.
something tells me i probably have 85%of all the phobias listed in
so in addition to being a,manic depressive ,semi schizophrenic ,biopolar ,myopic ,semi diabetic i'm also......1)catagelophobic
2)testophobic (yes the word exists)
8)vaccinophobic(this exists too..i'm really not making this up!!)
19)arachibutyrophobic(yes i'm incredibly scared of peanut butter sticking on the roof of my mouth!!)
ps:there are actually ppl in this world with this phobia ...."defecaloesiphobia"(i wont tell you what it is ,..try looking it up!)
guess what this is .. (the QM who must not be named has often posed this question)

itsthe fear of long words!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

damn good chicken pakora .even better coffee.and am crush-free

Monday, August 22, 2005

i had fun yesterday....more than i expected to.
i didn't trip over invisible obstacles and fall flat in the middle of Crosswords(why do swanky places always do that to me?)
i didn't say something supremely dumb that i'll regret for the rest of my life ....(i might have..but since i dont remember, i shall pretend that i haven't )
did get a very strong attack of giggles once.....but i dont think any one noticed.shshsh!
oh and the best part, i dont feel over the hill anymore!!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

the Fat Friend. OR the Psycho Stalker.what lovely identities to choose from!!!!!.definitely blue

Thursday, August 18, 2005

memories desend on you
like flies on an open wound.
i wear on my sleeves
sometimes good sense dawns upon you.pity clarity doesnt last for too long.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

funny how nice technofreaks are to technophobs. thank you.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

read the simoqin prophecies.really liked it.wonder when the sequel is coming out......and wonder which bakra will buy me the next one.
am wallowing in not even a teenager bloody twenty....... which means i cant pretend to be grown up n mature ...i'll actually have to be that do you do that anyway?

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


The mirror stops lying,
which is when
you're left,
licking your wounds.

definitely blue ..and a little green.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

i give up.i dont know why i bother to do this anyway.had a relatively good day .......until....well whatever.i'm mortified .

Monday, July 11, 2005

i dont know exactly how bad the stuff i write is.moderately bad?bad ? utter crap?neways here some of the stuff i wrote (note most were written when i was younger and was even more prone to idiocy)

(i dont yet have name for this thing)

Have watched mutely
weren't forthcoming.
Smiled instead.

Moments ,
shot in shades of laughter
nestled with regret.

Next time ,
a promise to find words


Am (obviously)
in denial.
It cant exist
If i choose not to see it.

this has taken way too long.( well obviously,i type with two fingers ).i'll post the rest of the stuff later .for now i have to go

Friday, July 08, 2005

starting to blue
time i threw it out
n got 'nother new

am in mourning now.the last cute guy in college has passed out off college (or is inthe process of).i'll be an over the hill 3rd yr when i join utterly depressing !!!ther'll be pretty, hep first yrs around who'll treat college like its their territory...n there i'll be feeling inadequate in my own college!
exams just got over .think i'll flunk math(make that know i'll flunk maths)keep getting horrific visions where i'm doing classes with my juniors and all my friends are in 3rd year.
finally got my hands on books by fay weldon .(stupid system in bcl is so hard to figure out)read "the bvlgari connection " and am currently reading "big women".have i mentioned that i love her??well i do !
cannot wait for the next harry potter..

Tuesday, July 05, 2005