saying it out loud has made it real.Now she can't pretend that it doesnt exist.

its waiting somewhere,holding its tongue,biding time and when she's least expectinhg it ,it will explode in her face.
when she's laughing at an inane joke cracked by a friend ,or is sprawled on her bed reading poetry that makes her smile,or basking in the winter sunshine just after a bath,the smell of shampoo not quiet gone ...it will wait till all her defenses are down and slowly sneak up on her and explode.

GIVING UP SMOKING

There's not a Shakespeare sonnet
Or a Beethoven quartet
Thats easier to like than you
Or harder to forget

You think thats extravagant?
I haven't finished yet-
I like you more than I would like
To have a cigarette.

WENDY COPE.

nothing makes sense anymore.

"he needs to put on his socks
And go far from his feet"

C.P.Surendran

i love this man.
sigh.

PING!

the ego balloon has been deflated.have feet firmly back on ground.
yes.thank you.i know i'm welcome.

SHEHEREZADE

she didn't have a thousand and one days.much less in fact.
and she was fast running out of stories.

brains pickled in lust.or mush...err may be both

WINTER

the only time of the year when my hair when brushed hard,"crackles"with electricity.and if you are quiet and listen carefully,you can hear it "crackle".the only time when i can do the seventh grade physics trick...where you brush your hair hard and hold the comb against bits of paper,which go flying and stick to the plastic comb... i'll know i'm old when this ceases to amaze me

ema jah!
am not crushed.or heartbroken.expected to cry into my pillow while listening to R.E.M
instead danced around like a lunatic while listening to "You Oughta Know"and "Smells Like Teen Spirit".yes, over and over again...well,atleast until parents threatened to throw me out.

P.S...head banging works better with shampooed and well-conditioned hair.

it was as if he lived inside her head .she "talked "to him all of the time.if she was wondering about what to wear for her aunt's big anniversary party she'd ask him for advice.

she wanted to take antihistamines an hour later,she'd tell him to remind her.

she'd even enact entire fights ,yes, complete with the screaming ,ranting ,raving and namecalling .and the tears ...

which is why,meeting him in person became, rather predictable.like watching repeat telecasts.

PARENTHETICALLY CHALLENGED

the brackets remain and yet the commas have walked out.
funny.


ps:thank you sabi

she always felt like smoking ,after talking to him .
as if ,
talking was substitute.

she had become rather accident prone lately.

when they were talking on the phone ,setting up first date,she hurt her foot ...it bled and bloodied her bedsheet ,as she dreamt about him that night.
while engrossed in conversation ,during the date ,she had managed to break a glass and cut her thumb with it.there was spilt coffee and blood all over the pretty glass topped table.when she had gone to the loo to clean up the mess,she bled all over the floor, leaving big dramatic polka dots of red patterned on white tiles.

she cut herself again when the thumb finally healed.
blood came easy these days.

and now,he was gone ,and she was staring at her wrist thinking...she wanted more blood.

MISER

she had always thought herself to be rather generous.what she got,she shared.except now.
now ,...all those tiny bits of flattery ,she stores...like coins dropped into the piggy bank,sometimes taken out and counted ,but not spent.Or shared.
she was all saved up.For Tomorrow.

all the tiny micro-organisms of envy inside me ,will procreate and multiply...and grow out of every pore of my skin ,
until,
every thing thats covering me is slimy green .

SNAP:the survivors network of abused priests!

also,
the national aptitude test held by symbiosis

SNUG

sprawled on my bed
complacent.
Like pillows.
Warm.
Happy.

It festers .And simmers.and you watch with distaste...waiting.
Whoever said that "a watched pot never boils " was dead wrong.

its a horrible day today .it rained all day (and yesterday night) and now its practically freezing.am wearing three layers of clothing under the bed sheet (coulndnt find shawl)that i have wrapped around me.
i cant go to the verendah ..because i look like a loon ...
so much so that even the mirror looks a little horrified.....

neighbouring laundry-guy (who sometimes serenades me and my female friends)is walking about in bare-chest and red bermudas....he'll snicker if he sees me(at verendah). i'll shiver, shudder and freeze.
i wonder who's the loon here .him or me?

have had 3 million cups of coffee,and have smoked equal number of times.no matter what i do ...the cold just refuses to go.

one good thing though...my feet look very pretty.as if they've just had a very expensive and thorough pedicure.apparently wading through water-logged college street is very good for feet!

Almost

she saw him across the street ....buying some magazinefrom the pavement book seller....she almost called out...
"was he still seeing Neha?"
May be she should cross...tap him on the shoulder.He'd turn around ....(would he smile ?)say "hi .nice to run into you again"
quick flash of teeth (exchange of.....how r u doing hows neha).....
And then she'd walk away.Pretending.Not turning back for a second look.
May be she should cross
But the lights changed

ahhhhhh
thank GOD for instant noodles

Things we learnt at the Calcutta bloggers meet


1)that JAP knows reference to mia devlin ....apparently Eliot fans are also into pulp fiction (or as they are politely called....romantic thrillers, with very little thrill element)

2)that Jaded, Doel and i have watched Notting Hill far too many times(i dont know why though ..i dont even like the movie that much!!)

3)that Teleute would rather be called Tele-tubby..(apparently the interest she generates among pre-adoloscents and pre-pubescents has finally gotten to her)

4)that icecream sundaes, although very tempting to look at ,sometimes have flies stuck on them

5)that every blogger is separated from ,another ,not by six but two (sometimes one)degrees of separation.

unfortunately nobody offered to dance on table tops this time...although i came pretty close ,when i learnt that mah poetry written, as school kid is appreciated (honestly trina di i know a lot of women cant throw away junk, but storing poetry written by schoolkids,that too aeons ago , is taking things too far)

coffees were consumed..teas daintily sipped at ,pasties and icecreams ogled at, cleavages flashed...all in all we had a really nice time!

read a "profound highly readable" "very moving " book yesterday.
story ran thus.....two sisters...one very beautiful and popular ,other plain boring and bookish.(guess which one i liked?)
beautiful n popular(but frigid) sister marrries Guy-Who-Doesnt-Love-Her n has two kids ....plain n bookish grows up ,gets job,discovers hidden good looks and becomes attractive(they never become beautiful .always attractive)

When she's enjoying new-found prettiness,she falls in love with HorribleGuy, who ultimately breaks her heart.more drama follows ...blah blah

ultimately beautiful sister divorces Husband-Who-Doesnt-Love-Her and becomes happy single and fulfilled

And PlainJane turned Femme Fatale ends up with ,guess who, but highschool crush who never noticed her when she was Plain Jane.apparently he had always found her Attractive...(!!)
i stayed up till 2 reading this........WHY????.
coz i am a sucker for all ugly duckling stories.............and the part where the ex crush cannot recognize her because she is stunning??.......i luuuuurrrrv that part..

real life ,however, is very different (oh really?!!) met ex crush ......
was wearing kurta that was 3 yrs old ,torn and vvv dirty jeans .........on CrazyHair day.with kajal smudged for extra GiantPanda effect.

life ,i tell you , is just not fair.

why couldnt i be a character out of a book and not exist at all(except in book)??

Question:if you could be a character out of a book /movie/play (and would have to do everything the charcter did ..i.e not change story to suit you better....)who would you be?

oooooh!
yummy!

List of things to do b4 i die

1)burn my diary .(apparently i bitch about every one in my diary .chee chee !!I'm a horrible person) even the miniscule number of friends ,i have will hate me and leave my corpse to rot if they come across diary.

2)burn all photographs ( its true, its true camera adds not 10 but 50 pounds and pimple scars and screws up hair)

3)gah............. forgot the third

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
i'm no good at this ,reminds me of isc presci writing (needless to say i was really really bad at it!)

This was totally new .It felt alien.And it was Her dirty secret.She carried it around in her head...
Curled into a ball it had it had lodged itself inside her stomch....and when she thought about it....the shameful yet pleasnant knowing made her smile.Secretly.
What she did not know was that everyone Knew.

waaaaan , i cant think of five ppl i want to tag .but here goes .i tag DEV,JO,PSYCHO,FISHY,ANI(aniroe.blogspot.com)

am disgusted at self.
do not know what disgusts me more........that i actually have proved to myself that i'm unbearably stupid ........OR ......the fact that corny high-TRP-getting serials actually describe my life .
the quote that describes me, goes thus....

"he smiles at me once,and i'm picking out wedding china"

Someone give me a life!!!

yay! pujo eshe geche!

"there will be time,there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet"

apparently i am not socially inept.
HAH!

rolled my eyes so hard that contact lenses fell off

the morning newspaper
besides looking a little mutilated ........looks forlorn, as if it likes being read by me ,first.i think it likes me!

am disgustingly happy today.drove people up the wall with "incredible sunniness".
now i'm scared of being blue again

Mrs. Hobson's Choice

What shall a woman
Do with her ego
Faced with the choice
That it go or he go?

-Alma Denny

another one of those poems......(refer to previous post)

isnt it sad when people you 've almost heroworshipped turn out to be real?
and... well .....human?

damn i hate growing up!!

i was re-reading a book today...couldnt finish re-reading since friend took it away(her logic :since i had already read the book i could wait ...which might seem reasonable to a lot of people ,but its not actually. not if you are me)
i have a very disgusting reading habit...i read books very very fast and at a stretch ....consequently i can remember very little of what i read in the book.
if however i like the book i do go back to it ...which is when the fun part begins!!it is then that i have the time to go "hee heee' or stop to think (or actually say it out loud).."awwww how cute"...
like when i read harry potter ....the weasley twins barely made any impression on me when i first read it ....now ,well i think they are the cutest of the lot.(yup !a friend would luuuurrv to date one of the weasley twins)
only when i'm re-reading the book am i in not in a tearing hurry to finish it.I actually have the time to stop, stare out of the window and wonder what i'd do differently if were in the character's shoes .....that reminds me..
ever noticed how the girl/guy always ends up with the wrong guy/girl....at least initially ?...well thats something i sooooo wouldnt do ....i mean, if i were scarlett or dominiqe or allanna or lata or maya .....or
oh well, since i'm not!!

SSSSS

peoples ares so weirrds

Signs of dementia

1.suspecting that a very close friend secretly hates you...just because she didnt return your call in 2-3 days .

2.suspecting harmless schoolkids of stalking you just because they seem to take the same bus as you.

3.breaking into tears in the middle of a public transport ...without any reason

4.having EXTREME moodswings within a span of two minutes..(this when yo're NOT PMSing)

5.talking about your insanity in a blog ...where half the world can read it and laugh (this when you have katagelophobia!)

Surreal

the phoolwalli has left this huge stack of sugarcane sticks at the entrance to my house.
and for some unknown reason the entire house smells like cakes!
feel like i'm a part of some bizzarre "magic realism"-ish book.
feel like i'm going to turn into a butterfly and fly out of window next!


ps:and yes i badly want to colour /paint something .and for some reason(i wonder why?)i cant find my colouring book or crayons or sketch pens....thus the above post!!

Insomnia

There are worse things than having behaved foolishly in public.
There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
Committed or endured or suspected;there are worse things
Than not being able to sleep for thinking about them.
It is five AM.All the worse things come stalking in
and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse
and worse.

Fleur Adcock

i want to crawl into a dark dark hole and hide ......preferably for the next century .
like always another writer has said what i wanted to ,before me!honestly ,sometimes i wonder if these people travel "forward" in time ,get inside my head and then steal my ideas!

i'm either surrounded by geniuses
OR
or have an IQ of a TOMATO.

days and days and days of letting things go unsaid.
sigh.......

Wishlist for afterlife

in my next life i will be...

1)witty funny and articulate

2)less psychotic (maybe more neurotic........i like neurosis!)

3)not BIPOLAR

4)less prone to inane crushes on people who are unaware of my existence

5)THINNER and taller (actually dont even want the latter .....just being thinner with a superfast metabolic rate would suffice)

6)better at quandtitative aptitude

7)capable of writing poetry that does not, sound ,read or in any way resemble shit


or so i wish...........

Thank You

how 'bout getting off thase antibiotics
how 'bout stopping eating when i'm full up
how 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
how 'bout that elusive kudo


thank you India
thank you terror,
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how 'bout me not blamin you for everything
how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how 'bout grieving it all one at a time


thank you India
thank you terror.......

the moment i let go of it was
the moment that i got more than i coluld handle
the moment i jumped off of it was
the moment that i touched down

how 'bout no longer being masochistic
how 'bout remembering your divinity
how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how 'bout not equating death with stopping

thank you India
thank you Providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you Silence


Alanis Morisstette

song's been playing inside my head throughout the day .love alanis .love the song

why do i read blogs that i cannot comment on?(besides the fact that ,they can at times, be mildly entertaining)
read three blogs ...did not leave any comments ,coz i couldnt think of anything to say !!!......although i was pretty sure i had something to say.i just dont know what though!

female bonding rocks!
culinary endeavours have not only been successful, but have also been wildly appreciated.

would it kill me to actually want or aim for something thats attainable ?

culinary endeavoures have been immensely successful !!!!!

considering opening a "chocolaterie'.sigh!
if only i were juliet binoche .or had a johnny depp lookalike in mah city!!

if only wishes were horses.......

wouldja really like to know?


guess????

what kind of a loser thinks of sarcastic comebacks ,to comments that havent been vocalized and probably wont be any time in the near future ,given,that conversation with,the "commentee'has boiled down to zero...???

horrors!!
parents have taken to sniffing at my hair these days .the objective?to determine if i smoked in college or not.

my options ?risk alopecia /permanent baldness OR being grounded for life!

uhm......conspiracies make me feel good

wanted:a sarcastic" cyrano ",(preferably female )who will always give me company ,and prompt ,cutting "put-u-in-your-place" remarks whenever the need arises .anyone fitting the job -description please appply

pay:5 countered Navy Cuts a day.one jharoed Classic or Gold Flake King once in a while!

ps:(like cyrrano) the employees identity will not be disclosed to the person i'm trying to put in his/her place!!

wonders of wonders !.....my condition has a name.lots of names in fact.
something tells me i probably have 85%of all the phobias listed in www.phobialist.com.
so in addition to being a,manic depressive ,semi schizophrenic ,biopolar ,myopic ,semi diabetic i'm also......1)catagelophobic
2)testophobic (yes the word exists)
3)monophobic
4)xenophobic
5)isolophobic
6)odynephobic
7)opthalmophobic
8)vaccinophobic(this exists too..i'm really not making this up!!)
9)topophobic
10)decidophobic
11)achluophobic
12)agliophobic
13)anuptaphobic
14)athazagoraphobic
15)atychiphobic
16)cheimatophobic
17)cyberphobic
18)cryuophobic
19)arachibutyrophobic(yes i'm incredibly scared of peanut butter sticking on the roof of my mouth!!)
ps:there are actually ppl in this world with this phobia ...."defecaloesiphobia"(i wont tell you what it is ,..try looking it up!)
guess what this is .. (the QM who must not be named has often posed this question)
"hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia''........

itsthe fear of long words!!

damn good chicken pakora .even better coffee.and am crush-free

i had fun yesterday....more than i expected to.
i didn't trip over invisible obstacles and fall flat in the middle of Crosswords(why do swanky places always do that to me?)
i didn't say something supremely dumb that i'll regret for the rest of my life ....(i might have..but since i dont remember, i shall pretend that i haven't )
did get a very strong attack of giggles once.....but i dont think any one noticed.shshsh!
oh and the best part, i dont feel over the hill anymore!!

the Fat Friend. OR the Psycho Stalker.what lovely identities to choose from!!!!!.definitely blue

memories desend on you
like flies on an open wound.
mine?
i wear on my sleeves

sometimes good sense dawns upon you.pity clarity doesnt last for too long.

funny how nice technofreaks are to technophobs. thank you.

read the simoqin prophecies.really liked it.wonder when the sequel is coming out......and wonder which bakra will buy me the next one.
am wallowing in selfpity.......am not even a teenager anymore........am bloody twenty....... which means i cant pretend to be grown up n mature ...i'll actually have to be that way...........how do you do that anyway?

Cornered

sometimes,
The mirror stops lying,
which is when
you're left,
licking your wounds.



definitely blue ..and a little green.

i give up.i dont know why i bother to do this anyway.had a relatively good day .......until....well whatever.i'm mortified .

i dont know exactly how bad the stuff i write is.moderately bad?bad ? utter crap?neways here some of the stuff i wrote (note most were written when i was younger and was even more prone to idiocy)


(i dont yet have name for this thing)

Have watched mutely
Words,
weren't forthcoming.
Smiled instead.

Moments ,
shot in shades of laughter
nestled with regret.

Next time ,
a promise to find words

OSTRICH

Am (obviously)
in denial.
It cant exist
If i choose not to see it.



this has taken way too long.( well obviously,i type with two fingers ).i'll post the rest of the stuff later .for now i have to go

starting to blue
time i threw it out
n got 'nother new


am in mourning now.the last cute guy in college has passed out off college (or is inthe process of).i'll be an over the hill 3rd yr when i join again.how utterly depressing !!!ther'll be pretty, hep first yrs around who'll treat college like its their territory...n there i'll be feeling inadequate in my own college!
exams just got over .think i'll flunk math(make that know i'll flunk maths)keep getting horrific visions where i'm doing classes with my juniors and all my friends are in 3rd year.
finally got my hands on books by fay weldon .(stupid system in bcl is so hard to figure out)read "the bvlgari connection " and am currently reading "big women".have i mentioned that i love her??well i do !
cannot wait for the next harry potter..

testing.