So I have this problem. I am a cry-baby. I cry at the drop of a hat. Books, movies, TV serials… from the banal to the ‘deep’ nearly everything can make me cry.

Frankly my dear I don’t give damn? Booo hoo. (An hour of crying and a headache later).

Joe Hardy sad because girlfriend dies? Sniffle (yes, that too. I kid you not)

Harry Potter, angsty, misunderstood and Sirius dead? Waaail.

The time when Grey’s Anatomy’s Meredith looks at dishy McDreamy and says: "I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me" and I knew he wouldn’t leave the wife…I bawled my eyes out.

And these are just the trivial fictitious things that make me cry. It’s a joke with my friends. An embarrassment to my dad (poor guy, he doesn’t get why a completely objective debate on Singur and Mamata triggers the waterworks. Its isn’t easy for a man to be surrounded by so much of oestrogen) and an irritant to mum. And well if you knew me, one of these reactions will be yours. I cry, when I’m so angry, I could kill you. I cry when I’m deliriously happy. I cry when I’m tired and frustrated (yes the office loo and too much work has done that to me). I cry when I’m hurt. Or embarrassed. Or humiliated. Or just mildly sad and wistful. I cry sometimes just because I need to. So if there is any basic spike of emotion I will cry. I don’t know why. Like when I’m having a fight this independent evil part of my brain decides, "oh she is mad now…lets make her blubber like a fool".

Mostly, this doesn’t bother me anymore. Everyone who knows me knows I cry, so they’ve sort of accepted it as "my thing". I’ve made my peace with it all. The red eyes, the puffy eyelids, the sudden blocked nose. The horrible look of pity I get when people realise that I’ve been crying. The slight ache behind my eyes when I’m all cried out. Even those times when the credits roll on a rom-com that I’ve been watching with friends and they look at me incredulously and say, "What? You didn’t cry?" Am actually ok with it all. I even find it funny at times.

But sometimes I think about this other girl I know off. She happens to be friend of a friend of a friend and I’ve never met her. Sometimes I wish I was her. She has this bizarre condition that makes her unable to cry. "My lachrymal glands are dry and almost don’t function," she had confessed to my friend. Which means she lugs around eye drops wherever she goes. And has to put it in her eye every hour when she’s wearing lenses and in general suffers a lot of general discomfort because of her condition. "Only if something hurts really badly and I’m in tremendous physical pain, can I squeeze out, like, one tear," she’d said.

Sometimes I wish I was her.

So the boy was hitting on someone else. And obsessive psycho-stalker that she has turned into she has the new girl all figured out. What's strange is that the new girl he's hitting on is exactly like her. The same taste in clothes. The same taste in music. The same major. The same university( only a batch juniour). In fact she even remembers spotting her around the canteen stairs sometimes. And this has happened her before. There was another another boy before. Who liked another girl. She remembered thinking she was a lot like her too. Only taller. "What is it with these women? Is it just them? Or am I an assembly line product and there is nothing to differentiate me from the countless other women I know," she thinks as reaches into her jewelry box. Out come the new dangly earring's acquired from the BFF. Out come a dozen pretty silver bangles. There are toe rings, an anklet and pretty mojris with faded gold work. "My jingle jangle morning," she smiles as she catches her reflection in the auto on her way to work. "There, I can't be that bad!"


Sometimes happiness can be that simple.

I have a look am told. A colleague of mine (who has a wardrobe and dressing sense I could kill for) just asked me to get someone with 'my look' for a makeover story. And as I stared at her blankly she added: "I want someone who looks like you...you know the whole ethno-grunge look." Thankfully she did not see me floating down the stairs all starry eyed and happy, thinking, 'Wow I actually have a look.' Although, now that Ii think of it, a look that calls for a makeover can't be a good thing now, can it?

I still dont how raddi kurtis, ancient Levis, flappy chappals, mad ma-ha-ad hair and giant-panda-esque smudged kohl can can count as a look, but hey 'ethno-grunge' works for me. This is what I love about this industry. Almost anything can be made to sound cool.

Though I hope it isn't quite as bad as Jude Law says in Closer (yes the movie is my new obsession)...

"Dan: At six, we stand round the computer and read the next day's page, make final changes, put in a few euphemisms to amuse ourselves...

Alice: Such as?

Dan: "He was a convivial fellow" - meaning he was an alcoholic. "He valued his privacy" - gay. "He enjoyed his privacy" - raging queen."

Question: What would my euphemism be?

Remember that irritating female in Dil Chahta Hai? that forgettable character who Aamir dumped for Preity ? The one who made it seem a little pathetic and sort of funny that she seemed to chase Akash so desperately. Remember Suchitra Pillai and Saif Ali khan? Remember the screaming, the ranting and the screechy "i never want to see you again" before she slams the door on him? Ever wondered what happens to them? What do they do after? Do they secretly cry into their pillows after their break-up? Do they go into hiding after their public humiliation ?(God, an entire generation of movie watchers will be forever laughing at them. ) What happens to all the ex-es of the scores of lovable rakes and the ruthless rogues (ugh yes I've read far too many romance novels) who meet the love of their lives in the romances, we read and watch? (hmm make that I read and watch) Do they get stone drunk and bawl their eyes out in some nightclub? Do they go buy chocolates and booze and listen to sad weepy songs on their iPods? Do they sit around in their PJs with a bottle of vodka and listen to All By Myself like Bridget Jones ? Hah well at least Jones has Darcy. What happens to all those women who get dumped for other women who the hero likes 'just the way they are' ? What happens to the geeky Avril in Girlfriend's video ? What happens to Edward's ex girlfriends in Pretty Woman?

and I hate myself for even thinking this, but what happens to me?

Watched the first 20 mins of Closer before heading for work. And now am in love with the first scene of the movie. And the song that plays in the background. Listen.

I stumbled across this rather pretty song today.

There is this bit about where they say

“Ohh maybe someday
Someway, somehow in some town
We’ll get together and
We’ll break it down
And I’ll ask why you’ve been
so shy”

that hits a spot somewhere. It’s completely mushy and so not profound but yet so…pretty. It reminds me of this day when a friend (is there such a thing as an ex friend?) handed this piece of paper saying, "Read. It's for you." (I still have that handwritten note tucked away in my diary) The poem was almost lame, but had this really pretty refrain which said ‘haven’t we met before right here on a certain rainy day.’ I know which rainy day he was talking about. And even though we don’t talk to each other anymore, I’ll always remember that rainy afternoon (the whole day wasn't rainy. Just the afternoon) And know that I’d once been that special. It’s a nice feeling. I’m all warm and fuzzy inside as I sing along to “I’m shy that way”.

In my heart I am a musician. I was meant to be Shirley Manson and wear knee high boots and very very dark eye make up and sing "Steal me, deal me, anyway you heal me,
Maim me, tame me, you can never change me"
Or may be Alanis Morissette and go crazy on stage while singing "You Oughta Know." Or may be wear flowy clothes and be ultra feminine and sing the dreamy "Shoot the moon" like Norah Jones. Though mostly, I can’t carry a tune. And though all those years when I was taking Hindustani classical music (vocal) (that’s what it says on the ID card. As if being vocal makes it less classical. Weird) lessons I used to be able to carry a tune (alas, I don’t think I can even do that now) dhrupad and random taals you had to double triple quadruple the pace of, used to confuse the bejesus out of me. And even I make me wince when I sing out loud with Sheryl Crow. Sigh. I really wanna be a rock star-ish person in my next life.

You know what the world really needs? A shampoo and conditioner timer. The medicated shampoo I use has to be kept on for five minutes and the conditioner for three. And my watch may or may not be waterproof but I don’t want to risk checking to see if it is. So, we need water proof timer. And counting to 300 doesn’t work. I keep forgetting where I am post 100 seconds. By 80-something seconds I drift off to some other world and I have no idea how many seconds I have lost in reverie. Have I reached 300 seconds mark? Have I gone passed it? Is this why I have either mad frizzy hair or limp weird hair ?

Ok this will contradict the inner rock star dream. I was born in the wrong time. I watched Pakeezah yesterday and I have realised I was meant to be Pakeezah. Ok not Pakeezah. Something close. I want to wear pretty kurtas and churidars, walk slowly and gracefully and wear lovely mojris. I was meant to wear white churidars and kurtis and lie on a divan with my hair soaking in the fountain. I want paighams about my pretty feet. But I don’t want to be surrounded by so many shrill giggling women.

I’m wearing something totally impractical today. Ethnic 16 kali skirts aren’t made for two-way trips around half of Calcutta that involve two auto rides and a metro ride each way. Or for possible rainy days. But oh, but today’s weather is meant for long flowy skirts. And for leaving your hair open. And for pretty anklets and toe-rings. (Am leaving out the bangles and the earrings, ’cause well for me they are every-weather). And while stepping out of the house today as I struggled to keep bag, stole, hair and skirt in place and felt the wind in my hair, I felt totally girlie. Absolutely filmy, I know. And absolutely lovely. Being a girl is such fun.

P.S. I don’t care how many designers scream themselves hoarse saying long n flowy skirts are out. I like them!

i bought. i read. i loved.

I didn't exactly spend my new year's eve doing this. But had a quiet new year's eve all the same. Hung out with S. And realized that beer, cigarettes and good conversation is all one really needs. (Reality Bites was wrong. hah.) Though calling it conversation would be pushing it. What it was, was a monologue where I talked and she listened. I obsessed and ranted about people-who-aren't-paying-attention-to-me-although-they-should-be and she listened. And was much amused. And considering I have to function without such daily rants because we meet twice a year, it was a lot of fun :-)

validation. hee

You know that feeling when you just don’t want to work? When you stare at the blank screen on your PC and the words running through your head are not the ones you should be typing. Those times when all you want to do is soak in the already fading winter and sit in the sun and peel oranges while your friends talk around you and you sit and you watch it all in sepia tinted slow motion.

I get that a lot these days. I’m missing something, I think. I just don’t know what.

My boss got me earrings from her trip to Bombay. I can now hereby swear that she is the coolest boss ever. Do any of you have a boss who fishes out a pair of girly, dangly earrings out of the front pocket of her dungarees? Or one who always makes it a point to tell you if she likes a story idea/story? or one who you would hug if only she weren't your boss? heh i don't think so.

my job so rocks!

My exams are finally over. Which means that even my 'part-time-student-days' have ended. I don't quite know how that makes me feel. Went out with university friends for dinner and drinks after the last exam. Which was fun, though Maddy took hideous pics of me. But ooh one pic, which is all shadowy and a little blurred is really nice. And I'm vain enough to be pleased with nice photographs of me. I know I'll look at it twenty years later and think that it was nice to be young and err... almost pretty. Which is such a nice feeling. Dontcha think?


Went back to work after a break of 19 days yesterday. And had no work so tagged along with Ducksie to a rock competition. And felt very old. And what is it with all the Calcutta rock bands. Where does all this bad attitude come from ?

And yes I'm capable of feeling young and almost pretty and old and dowdy in a span of twenty four hours. I amaze myself sometimes.

wanted: a really sharp elbow hacker.

So the next time I get poked by an elbow, whoever it be attached to, male or female, I will slice their bloody elbow clean. There will be nice Kill Bill-esque moment where Pointy Elbows will stare at all the blood spurting from his arm and bloodied piece of elbow bone, and i will walk away calmly. Oh and I'll whistle the really cool tune that plays in the movie.

and is there some kind of special school for this? where they teach you to ram that elbow straight into my chest and then disappear into crowds? Arrrrgh.

The really cool tune

ru -- [noun]: A person of questionable sanity who starts their own cult 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Eh ?

I’m bored of me. I’m bored of the same face that stares back at me from my bathroom mirror. I’m bored of my clothes, of the jewelry I wear. I want a make over. Where everything about me will be different

Different clothes. Thinner. No fab India. No silver earrings. No vodka n lime cordial. No cheap motorola cellphone. No buses. No metros. No same old curly hair that has looked the same since I was sixteen. No gurjari jhola. No chappals. no reporting stuff that I’m bad at. No wondering about why the bloody hell that guy didn’t call me. No keeping quiet when some one’s mean to me. No more sappy romance novels. No inarticulate speaking. No more whining. No more wallowing. No more of me.

I want to go out shopping for a brand new me.

I dont want to be brave. I'm not even trying to be. I'm not doing this for an extra byline. Or to get noticed. I want to get this over with and put it behind me.

And no i dont need to be asked if i'm ok. I might or might not be. But your asking me isnt helping matters.

If I were a beginning, I would be: the word
If I were a month, I would be: september
If I were a day of the week, I would be: sunday
If I were a time of day, I would be: dawn
If I were a planet, I would be: neptune
If I were a season, I would be: monsoon
If I were a sea animal, I would be: a dolphin
If I were a direction, I would be: south west?
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: the arm chair
If I were a sin, I would be: sloth
If I were a liquid, I would be: a vodka martini
If I were a fraud/scare, I would be: me
If I were a gem, I would be: a ruby
If I were a tree, I would be: a pine tree
If I were a tool, I would be: a screwdriver
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: a very prickly rose
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: the rains in calcutta
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: a flute, or a saxophone
If I were an animal, I would be: a well fed fluffy cat
If I were an emotion, I would be: contentment (is that an emotion?)
If I were a vegetable, I would be: an onion
If I were a sound, I would be: silence
If I were an element, I would be: water
If I were a car, I would be: this is easy. A bright red lamborghini
If I were a song, I would be: “maybe tomorrow” by stereophonics
If I were a food, I would be: homey comfort food. like rajma chawal
If I were a place, I would be: home
If I were a material, I would be: khadi
If I were a taste, I would be: chocolate
If I were a scent, I would be: a freshly brewed pot of darjeeling tea
If I were a religion, I would be: no idea. Do agnostics have a religion?
If I were a sentence, I would be: this one
If I were a body part, I would be: eyes
If I were a facial expression, I would be: a lazy smile
If I were a subject in college, I would be: not mathematical economics
If I were a shape, I would be: round
If I were a quantity, I would be: a litre
If I were a colour, I would be: turquoise
If I were a thing, I would be: my first fountain pen
If I were a landmass, I would be: plateau of Tibet
If I were a book, I would be: the catcher in the rye
If I were a monument, I would be: the Spinx
If I were an artist, I would be: Van Gogh
If I were a collection of poems, I would be: readable
If I were a landscape, I would be: an oasis
If I were a watch, I would be: the fast track thing I wear
If I were God, I would be: really bad at my job
If I were a vowel, I would be: a
If I were a consonant, I would be: l
If I were a formula, I would be: a grandmothers secret recipe
If I were a Science, I would be: marine biology
If I were a theory, I would be: chaos theory
If I were a famous person, I would be: smug
If I were an electronic equipment, I would be: the ac
If I were sport, I would be: ok so not sports. scrabble
If I were a movie, I would be: amellie
If I were a cartoon, I would be: luann
If I were an explorer, I would be: dead
If I were a scientist, I would be: archimedes :D
If I were a relation, I would be: not very nice to know
If I were a river, I would be: a brook pretending to be one
If I were intoxication, I would be: a nicotine buzz
If I were alone, I would be: making tea or reading
If I were a question, then I would be: han?
If I were a hobby, I would be: something totally pointless
If I were a habit, I would be: fidgeting
If I were in an atom, I would be: invisible?
If I were an end, I would be: a happy ending
If I were you, I would be: not reading this .


I was tagged by Jo and i tag Lara, Serendipiduous, Anwesha and Oopie

You Are an Afternoon Person

You can find energy any time of the day ... or night! You prefer to be out and about when most other people are. Very early mornings or very late nights aren't really your thing. You're practically solar powered, and the afternoon is when do best.

Are You a Morning Person or Night Person?