This is the Hour of Lead -- Remembered, if outlived, As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow -- First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go.
Emily Dickinson.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
There will be a time when you’ll have come to terms with it all. The despair that lurks behind that enforced optimism won’t bother you anymore. Like the child who grows up and learns to walk to the bathroom at night without switching all the lights on. Gives me hope, this.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy
In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh. You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.
Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho
And there I was, looking contentedly out of the window, the winter sun on my arm and face, still warm in the afterglow…and then it hit me. What if? What if it doesn’t turn out according to plan? What if all I’ll ever be, all I’ll have…is this?
The only thing that makes the present tolerable now is the possibility of a future, the possibility that it will all get better, bigger. I console myself saying that this can’t be me, this can’t be it. That somehow I’m probably meant for something better. But what if I’m not?
Saturday, December 16, 2006
OF REPRESSION AND WHAT NOT...
Wouldn’t it be nice if one day you could walk up to that guy who’s totally oblivious to you and say, “You know what? I really don’t like you at all, and even if I’m currently acting like I do, I will get over it soon. And soon I shall be thinner, with flawless skin and perfect hair, and way hotter than I am now. And then I wont have time of day for you.” No? Too juvenile?
Yeah that’s what I thought too. The only thing that gets me by these days?... That soon there will be a time when I shall move on and obsess about someone else. Yes please don’t judge me. It’s true. I live my life from one, one sided crush to another. What was that again? At 21? Yes at 21? What are you goggling at? Am pretty sure there are other 21-year-old s like me somewhere. Yes, other than on reality TV shows called Can’t Get a Date.
Han so where was I again? Old school crushes. So I found this guy on orkut. The guy who I thought was the one. The one who’d make my knees go weak at 14. The cute guy in ze maths tuitions. And twas so sad. I mean I had obsessed about it forever. How he’d suddenly come across me on one of my good hair days (at 21. not 15. Good hair days didn’t exist until I was 18) (Why is good hair day important? Coz there must be one last toss of silky hair before you walk away) and here he was with a nice artsy looking-out of-window pic and it didn’t bother me. I mean I couldn’t even be bothered to orkut-stalk the guy. (Yes, well except for reading all his scraps the first time. But that’s it. You get it, don’t you? Just once. No psychotic following of conversations from one scrap book to another!!)
Sigh. What was depressing about this bit? It reminded me that am getting old. Even crushes are not the same anymore. Where is ze drama? The magic. The tee-hee school girly giggling?
Or it’s the men probably. Something wrong with all of them. Yep that’s what it is. Or is just the Calcutta variety?
Small world they say. And i've said so too. Countless times. It always amazes me though. How everything goes round a corner or maybe another and comes back to where it started. A neat little circle it all is.
The random blogger who was on a friends's friend's blogroll turns out to be the one he is hitting on. And I remember thinking, Gosh, I like this blog. Gosh, she is so me.
Gosh, she has something that's mine.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
WHATEVER...
I must be dead i think. Or very very numb. And thats not the God-my-life-is-so-depressing-am-protecting-myself-by-going-numb kind of numbness.
Its the normal garden variety numbness. Or the not-so-garden-variety numbness. At least everyone around me still seems to feel. The women at work who are having love come arranged marriages. (yes i kid you not, concept exists)
Tis concept where your parents pick techie-working-in-blue-chip-company-with-brilliant-prospects for nice little convented homely girl. And the two decide to fall conveniently in love and call each other shona and have very dramatic fights during lunch time. Post lunch time they cry on their PCs, then fix their make up and get back to work.
Even those women who are pining away for their ex fiances who they met via ****** matrimonial. Pining has such a lot of drama attached to it. There is no such great drama in my life.
But i digress. This is not about them. This is about me. And how i don't feel anymore. I dont laugh. Or cry. OR, yes, get this, get angry. I dont have the energy to react anymore. Or to develop an opinion. Or if i actually have one, i am not bothered enough to actually to state it.