Your Pickup Line Is

You look so hot that you must be real reason for global warming.

The Magical Pick Up Line Generator

the question is... would it work? hmmm...

You Are a Trifle

No doubt, you have many intricate layers. But deep down, you're a little squishy.

What Holiday Food Are You?

tee hee!

This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go.

Emily Dickinson.

There will be a time when you’ll have come to terms with it all. The despair that lurks behind that enforced optimism won’t bother you anymore. Like the child who grows up and learns to walk to the bathroom at night without switching all the lights on. Gives me hope, this.

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh. You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum. Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

And there I was, looking contentedly out of the window, the winter sun on my arm and face, still warm in the afterglow…and then it hit me. What if? What if it doesn’t turn out according to plan? What if all I’ll ever be, all I’ll have…is this?

The only thing that makes the present tolerable now is the possibility of a future, the possibility that it will all get better, bigger. I console myself saying that this can’t be me, this can’t be it. That somehow I’m probably meant for something better. But what if I’m not?

OF REPRESSION AND WHAT NOT...

Wouldn’t it be nice if one day you could walk up to that guy who’s totally oblivious to you and say, “You know what? I really don’t like you at all, and even if I’m currently acting like I do, I will get over it soon. And soon I shall be thinner, with flawless skin and perfect hair, and way hotter than I am now. And then I wont have time of day for you.” No? Too juvenile?

Yeah that’s what I thought too. The only thing that gets me by these days?... That soon there will be a time when I shall move on and obsess about someone else. Yes please don’t judge me. It’s true. I live my life from one, one sided crush to another. What was that again? At 21? Yes at 21? What are you goggling at? Am pretty sure there are other 21-year-old s like me somewhere. Yes, other than on reality TV shows called Can’t Get a Date.

Han so where was I again? Old school crushes. So I found this guy on orkut. The guy who I thought was the one. The one who’d make my knees go weak at 14. The cute guy in ze maths tuitions. And twas so sad. I mean I had obsessed about it forever. How he’d suddenly come across me on one of my good hair days (at 21. not 15. Good hair days didn’t exist until I was 18) (Why is good hair day important? Coz there must be one last toss of silky hair before you walk away) and here he was with a nice artsy looking-out of-window pic and it didn’t bother me. I mean I couldn’t even be bothered to orkut-stalk the guy. (Yes, well except for reading all his scraps the first time. But that’s it. You get it, don’t you? Just once. No psychotic following of conversations from one scrap book to another!!)

Sigh. What was depressing about this bit? It reminded me that am getting old. Even crushes are not the same anymore. Where is ze drama? The magic. The tee-hee school girly giggling?


Or it’s the men probably. Something wrong with all of them. Yep that’s what it is. Or is just the Calcutta variety?

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

Small world they say. And i've said so too. Countless times. It always amazes me though. How everything goes round a corner or maybe another and comes back to where it started. A neat little circle it all is.

The random blogger who was on a friends's friend's blogroll turns out to be the one he is hitting on.
And I remember thinking, Gosh, I like this blog.
Gosh, she is so me.

Gosh, she has something that's mine.

WHATEVER...


I must be dead i think. Or very very numb. And thats not the God-my-life-is-so-depressing-am-protecting-myself-by-going-numb kind of numbness.

Its the normal garden variety numbness. Or the not-so-garden-variety numbness. At least everyone around me still seems to feel. The women at work who are having love come arranged marriages. (yes i kid you not, concept exists)

Tis concept where your parents pick techie-working-in-blue-chip-company-with-brilliant-prospects for nice little convented homely girl.
And the two decide to fall conveniently in love and call each other shona and have very dramatic fights during lunch time. Post lunch time they cry on their PCs, then fix their make up and get back to work.

Even those women who are pining away for their ex fiances who they met via ****** matrimonial. Pining has such a lot of drama attached to it. There is no such great drama in my life.

But i digress. This is not about them. This is about me. And how i don't feel anymore. I dont laugh. Or cry. OR, yes, get this, get angry. I dont have the energy to react anymore. Or to develop an opinion. Or if i actually have one, i am not bothered enough to actually to state it.


Tis the worst form of evil methinks.

HEART, we will forget him!
You and I, to-night!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me,
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you’re lagging,
I may remember him!


Emily Dickinson.

sigh!

The one you try to keep in place, slips and calmly walks away. Plastic doesnt stick too long. And am running out of glue.

Jaded Working Person Number N. and so those glasses broke.

so am working woman now. and in a while too, I'll get bored of it all and will be the Jaded Working Person who just wants to go back to college. but not now.

for now its fun dressing ethnic every day. and wearing make up. (yus yus, I wear make up to work, all subtle n pretty). and buying the morning newspaper before I board the bus, and feeling like grown up important person. like those pretend games we'd play as kids. as if it isnt my life but someone else's.

am the youngest at work, and its fun, because everyone has assumed that the rookie/ new-recruit-fresh-out-of-college must be flatterd and encouraged. so i gladly soak in all compliments about how brilliant i am and how i am apparently, doing realy well. and ooooh the office lunch. yum.

It's all supposed to be a stop-gap before I move on to a post grad course, and obviously I shouldn't like it as much as I do. but gosh its such fun!!

she thought she was pretty good at the grin-and-bear-it thing. and that she had it covered pretty well. no one told her otherwise, poor her.

so there she was, confessing all to strangers with half an ear, falling apart at innocent comments, so wrapped up in her own that she'd forgotten how to be a friend, and yet deluded enough to believe that she was holding up fine.

And she was too. when on her own that is. it's the relating-to-her-self-via-other-people bit that got to her. like that silly riddle they'd play in school. how do you make this line smaller without using an eraser? simple. just draw a bigger line beside it.

it's all gone now. thankfully. it's been neatly mended. and what was falling apart is whole again. hallelujah!

umbrellas, methinks, should be bright and cheery. it should add colour to the normally gloomy rainy day. i mean there is something so... well...appealing about colourful umbrellas isnt there? no? what are you trying to say? that you never put any thought in you choice of raingear?

anyway, so where was i? yes brightly coloured umbrellas. i quite like them. except for today. my umbrella is a very pretty darkish (also very bright) pink.
and i was wearing something red. and had a red bag. with a pink umbrella (yes i know i've said this before. i tend to get repetetive under stressful conditions) and there was this huge gang school kids (boys! so what if they were adoloscents. and i'm old enough to not be bothered). and it just occurred to me (and of course to other people present at the scene) that i looked something like an advertisement for, ahem, a certain kind of contraceptive.

oh, the humiliation of it all. my boring black chattri. am never deserting you again. sigh!

JANE DOE

the thing that had mattered to her most, then, was that it was real . 'S' was real . Here was one person who didnt see her for what she was maybe, but at least he saw her. She'd be out with him, all giddy, flushed and happy and all she could think then was, "yay i'm a couple too". It wasn't inside her head anymore. There were real fights, real tears ( oh well, at least real reasons to cry about), real conversations( so what if it involved her explaining how Robin Cook wasnt science fiction).

She doesnt miss him now that he's gone. No really. She doesnt.
What she doesnt like is that she's back inside her head again. Back to one-sided relationships. One-sided conversations.
One-sided fights with people who don't know her. Back to invisibility.

Of Shrinking Aims And Violets

Have never been a big fan of stretch targets. Hate the concept. As if the actual target (if you have one that is) isnt hard enough already , matters must be made more complicated by setting goal thats even further away! Well thats not me.


Had decided from pretty early on, not to want too much from life. And so far this policy had worked pretty well. Dont expect too much. Dont actually get too much. But thats alright. Its all good.

Figured the same should work for college. Set very very achievable goal And I might even "get" more than I asked for. I did actually. In more ways than one.


And of violets.
Am not soul-of-party. Am not star material(which is okay, really) But have never exactly been the wallflower either. Too much attention is unnerving. But none at all(!!!) is even more so.
I dont exist. Never did.

Stayed up all night and all we talked about was her and him. And how it won't work . And how she misses him. And how nice it is to be held. Just held.

No moping I'd thought. No using guy as crutch because i know it wont work. But oh must it always work? What's so wrong if it doesnt?

Clouds appear free of care
And carefree drift away.
But the carefree mind is not to be found
To find it, first stop looking around.

Wang An Shih

pujo asche. yay! will mope no more.

the worst bit about this wallowing-in-self-pity-my-cup-runneth-over thing? am not fun anymore. i used to be fun before (err i dunno...i think i was. was i?) used to be capable of conversation/shared laughter/giggly-schoolgirl-bonding . i wasnt whiny before. i wasnt someone you'd roll your eyes at and say "god! snap out of it already!" and thats another thing. everyone's too kind to say so. why? what the fuck do they think i'll do?

count my blessings, i will . there is a lot to be thankful for. like the fact that the waistline has gone back to the 8th std waistline. its actually two sizes smaller!! yippeee!!!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Third Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

I know, theoretically speaking that is,...that this is not going to last. I won't feel like this forever. After this many 'low's there will be a 'high'. or so says the Law of Averages. Something's gotta give. This too shall pass.
There are ten million other similar sayings which tell me, that this situation is not permanent. All of today will not matter tomorrow. I know this all.

and yet, I don't believe it.

will get out of this phase in a while.
but not now.
will wallow a little longer.

JIGSAW

When you're slowly going to pieces,
Everything else
Will fall into place.

Will horde, till its mine.
I wont tell you.
And you won't know.

That joke?
I'll share.
The book,
Yes, that too.

But not this
Not ever.
My grief
Is mine alone.

technophobia , it seems, will not take me far. sigh!
i much prefer the simpler times.


why why why why why why? why me?

valium.lots of valium is what i need. not to kill myself, but just enough for a long dreamless sleep. so that i can wake up, a year later and find that life is 'live-able' again.

Or a remote control, so that i can press the fast forward button through this phase and stop at a nicer point of time.

Or some aspirin that will make this damn headache go away.

Or some device which will turn me into someone else. I dont want to be me anymore. I want to be those superachieving kinds who've always gotten what they wanted...or at least what other people wanted.

Just not me. Not now. Not today. Not ever

You Fit Into Me, by Margaret Atwood


You fit into me
like a hook into an eye
A fish hook
An open eye

and another!

A Word Is Dead


A word is dead
When it is said,
Some say.
I say it just
Begins to live
That day.

Emily Dickinson

I'm Nobody! Who Are You


I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us--don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Emily Dickinson.


love her so.

i have S.A.D. why must it rain so?

You Are Storm

Exotic and powerful, Storm descended from a line of African priestesses. Emotions can effect your powers, but you are generally serene. Powers: controlling weather, creating winds that lift you into flight, generating lightning

Which of the X-Men Are You?

Its like that strange aftertaste in your mouth, that stays after you've had something sweet. Too sweet. The kind that stays and stays and stays and no amount of saliva swallowed can make it go away. it should warn you off all sweet things...but nah. The tooth never learns.

oh....... you poor baby you.
i'm so sorry i forgot. its been two days since your first birthday and i forgot. am a horrible horrible person.

belated happy birthday!

every new person i meet reminds me of someone ihave met before...i must have become really old.

call it lack of imagination. or bloggers block

A Bit Of Both You are 40% Calvin and 60% Hobbes

Calvin & Hobbes, like a scruffy yin and yang, are in perfect balance within you. Like Calvin, you're weird, a bit insecure, and can be a trouble-maker. But like Hobbes, you're down to earth and sensitive. It's a risk to say it here, after just a ten question test, but I'll bet you're smarter than most. Both Calvin and Hobbes are crafty, clever characters, and any one made from equal parts of each is a force to be reckoned with.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 24% on calvin You scored higher than 53% on hobbes

Link: The Calvin Or Hobbes Test written by gwendolynbooks on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

ah, but life was simple then.
a piece of paper torn from the "rough copy", folded, to form a card ,with red crayon hearts and blue flowers, an illegibly scrawled "I'm Sorry".......and all would be forgiven.

there u can share my candy now

Your Birthdate: July 25

You excel at anything difficult or high tech. In other words, you're a total (brilliant) geek. It's difficult for you to find people worth spending time with. Which is probably why you'll take over the world with your evil robots! Your strength: Your unfailing logic Your weakness: Loving machines more than people Your power color: Tan Your power symbol: Pi Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

heh .

Your Heart Is Orange

Love equals unbridled happiness for you. You enjoy the wild ride of falling in love. And while the ride is fun for a while, you always get off once the thrill is gone. Your flirting style: Hyper Your lucky first date: Anything you need your passport for! Your dream lover: Is both daring and well grounded What you bring to relationships: Energy

What Color Heart Do You Have?

now i am really bored.

You Are Boston

Both modern and old school, you never forget your roots. Well educated and a little snobby, you demand the best. And quite frankly, you think you are the best. Famous people from the Boston area: Conan O'Brien, Ben Affleck, New Kids on the Block

What American City Are You?

too much of ally mc beal ?

You are a Black Coffee

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

ok so i'm bored. and have nothing to say. or do.

Exotic Dancer Name Is...

Kashmir

Exotic Dancer Name Generator

Your True Love Is a Scorpio

Why you'll love a Scorpio: Strong and sexy, Scorpio will overpower you into falling in love (before you even realize it!). You'll love being swept away by Scorpio - into a world of insane passion. Why a Scorpio will love you: You don't mind letting your Scorpio take the reigns, as long as you know you're truly cared for. Loyal and devoted, you would never do anything to set off insanely jealous Scorpio.

What Sign Is Your True Love?

eh?

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Happy Go Lucky Assassin. Where You Lived: China. How You Died: Hung for treason.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

AHA!

Your Elf Name Is...

Ditzy Mc Flurry

What's Your Elf Name?

You Belong in 1975

If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What Year Do You Belong In?

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

gah! so bored.

winter is over. the grasshopper lives. and doesnt care that the ants will laugh all the way to the bank.

bloody economists.
bloody bloody economics.

and poor poor me.

oh yes..and bloody internet guy.

a week. a week. a week!!! one fucking week. and i am still here.

i miss the rain. Or walking in the rain. Used to do a lot of that in college...And none of it was particlarly filmy..No umbrella that flies away. No flapping dupatta. No hapless guy who gets dragged into the rain.

In college , we'd take a walk in the rain with the specific intention of getting wet. The ones who didnt want to get wet, carried umbrellas. We didnt. And definitely not transparent ones.

And no flapping dupattas: getting wet in college involved a really sticky kurta and jeans that would weigh a tonne when wet.And dupattas, if at all present in the scene had this distinct tendency to not flap around. It would just cling unhappily, rather miffed at the prospect of of staying wet for long. Wonder how they did it in movies.

And the guys . Boring souls them.They'd rather be in the BCR and do boring guy things.

Of course there was this rather odd couple who would hold hands and take walks in the rain. Now they loked propah-ly filmy. awwwww young love i tell you.

And none of us looked anything like wet bollywood heroines. No wet sarees, for one. No waterproof mascara. No waterproof makeup of any sort i might add..Hair plastered and sticky and odd-looking. And wet clothes which make you look fatter... except Sonal who looked pretty despite. Dh though so too!(nudge, nudge . giggle, giggle) And those skinny hot women who always look hot, no matter what. (aaargh! yes their existence is and will forever be supremely irksome)But this post is not about them. So yes we'd settle for looking quite odd, rather smug in our rain soaked happiness.

Post getting wet session, we would cluster arond the union room fan.And consume copious quantities of steaming coffee.And get some kind soul to cigarrettes for us. Coz well we were sneezing a little and sort of shivery...and some one just had to take pity on us.

And after suitable amount of time was spent doing nothing, clothes would be dry and it wold be time to get back home.

Sigh!
i miss college going rain.

There is an exhibitionistic streak in me, methinks.i like airing my daily trials, petty grievances, and imagined hurts up on blogosphere.its like an outlet. Have taken out frustrations through words and have thus healed...i can now go around the world and function like a sane person.

But sometimes, you realize that you may have revealed too much..which is generally when i go om my ohGodoGodohGodohGod what was i thinking(?) trip or the thats-not-my-blog-i-do-not-know-it-exists trip or maybe-i-should-delete-my-blog trip.(God there seems to be a lot of them!) Of course after a point of time it ceases to matter. Have aired my private humiliations on the blog and have made it public...but thats quite alright.

The reason why i write this is because i went through the latter sometime ago. hence the complete non-blogging. But i am back now. And shall endeavour to blog more often(although not too often. exams around the corner)

For now though...

THE END OF THE STORY

Its over now. Their story that is. It just finished a few days ago. There might be an epilogue later. But not now. And if you liked the story and it touched you a little bit...Go ahead you are allowed a tiny sniffle, a little blotting of the corner of your eyes, a sheepish smile at your partner who smirks on seeing you do so.

Yes, its over for them now.Let them be. She wont be collecting compliments,or having secret conversations, or building stories in her head anymore. She will walk down the same city roads and wont have to try to not think of him anymore. the solitary cigarrete is comforting now, not lonely.

She is content. As she draws the cover tighter around her and watches the evening norwester lash at the sky...she knows she wishes him peace.

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous People will stop and watch you when you appear Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

Everyone please laugh, crack snide remarks, smirk ,point and laugh, smirk knowingly, do-whatever-you-do-when-you-find-people-funny and whatever-you-can-do-to-make-them-feel-worse.

after which i shall crawl into my dark dark hole, and stay there.i still feel like such an idiot.

blue again.

i feel like a complete idiot.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?

WAS I THINKING AT ALL?
yuck!

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's" Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

she had read about this syndrome in some medical thriller.the syndrome where you can feel the amputated part of your body(even though its not there).your leg is half gone,it ends in a stump below your knee...and yet you want to scratch your big toe.very badly.

Yes its quite like that.She knows he's gone,And yet she imagines herself talking to him.and wants to tell him things.Little things.snippets of detail,funny anecdotes...they're all there in her head.As if waiting to be told to one more person.

"I survived an earthquake..you know.I could actually see and feel my bed move,like some kinda crazed pendulum"

"i asked the teacher if i coulld turn down the AC today.he asked if i wanted blankets.everyone was very amused."

Everyone around her has heard these stories at least once.But its still there inside her head.Waiting to be told again.

She used to do this before.store all these stories,for him.She does it still,almost unconsciously and stops mid-way.They dont need to be stored.Or told .Not anymore.

They went away with them.As he packed his suitcase,and said goodbye,all those words,crawled into his bags when she wasnt looking,and left with him.

Now she has nothing to say.nothing to write about.

Earlier it would be bursting at its seams.
Her head that is.
With things to be said.things already said.things that wont ever be said.
Words to be written.words that havent been written.words that wouldnt be.

They're all gone now.It's as if someone switched off the tape-deck mid song.

MY MAN

1)must read

2)should agree that i'm the best thing that happened to him.

3)should be reasonably attractive.

4)must be capable of conversation,and must listen to and tolerate incessant chattering!

5)should understand that i'm capable of murder when PMSing

6)must understand that i cry while watching movies .or reading books and must not laugh when i do so!

7)must make me laugh.Even when i'm ina bad mood

8)must be affectionate.should not be embarrased by PDA

i was tagged by Teleute,
I TAG JITZOMANIA,AAR BEE,BABELFISH,DOEL,ZAPONDER,SINUSOIDALLY,FISHY,JADEDand PANU

my jaws ache a lot these days.you see i have been smiling a lot.
life's pretty amusing,didnt you know?

BEAUTY

Beauty makes my heart go tight.
It's the old Grecian Urn.
Got to break it,
To keep it
Out of
Everyone's sight.

C.P.Surendran

i feel violent right now.but havent broken anything,or skewered people alive,havent set fire to the house...basically havent done anything violent.i believe,i have the patience of a saint.yes thank you.bless you for agreeing with me.

i could say that all men are jerks(but i wont).one in particular is a complete bastard and yet i have been (as i've said before) completely non violent.i am a saint.or a very very very very very very nice person.

or a total doormat.
think what you will.

i shall sing ...tra la la la la and pretend that the world is a merry place.
look at me smile right now.doesnt it just brighten up the world?

not only am i (allegedly)insecure, i am also (again allegedly) insecure about being insecure...this bit of psycho-analysis comes from someone who's knowns me for three months. have had this adjective attributed to me far too many times this week.
clarification:people,i am not insecure.

yes , i occassionally wonder if my friends secretly hate me and am terrified at the prospect of dying alone,and i wish i were pretty and would love to be articulate..but puhleez for gods sake I AM NOT INSECURE.or lacking in confidence.nor do i suffer from low self esteem.
and if i am acting a little psychotic this week,blame it on the sun.leos are supposed to be emotional this week.(or was it last?)or ,the fact that three of my closest friends are far far far away.correction one of them just came back...which means,persons who form the very core of my suport system are missing...
so i'm a little (yes,just a little) dependent.
how does that make me insecure?

warning:do not,i repeat,do not ,if you care to go on living that is ,call me insecure!

it melts.
and forms a gooey mess
on the floor.
step on it,if you will
or gently pass it by.

the mirror has grown a new face.and it refuses to go away.she stares at it,willing it to go away.it just stares back.

it has a voice too these days.says things like,"your hair looks flat today.what did you,do comb it too hard?"
or,"when will your pimples stop?"
or,"hehehe,your nose is ridiculously big."
or,"don't smile too much.your teeth shows.did you know you have uneven teeth?"

and all she says is,"is it?do i ?"

the previous mirror was nicer.paid more compliments.
and when critical,it would limit itself to calling her fat...say"uh uh.fat day.wear black".

the only thing this mirror likes about her is her eyes.

"my eyes?"she protests."besides being myopic,they are slightly cross-eyed.and one is smaller than the other.and one eyebrow is higher than the other.how can you possibly like them?
AND the kaajal never stays put.it always smudges."

"they 're nice ",it says.

"nice?just nice?"

"well half a loaf...."
thats another thing.this one is way too proverb-quoting.rather irritating.

she has to get a more flattering mirror.
one thats not proverbial.

disclaimer no. 1:she is not me

disclaimer no.2:
eating alone,
my alphabet soup,
speaks to me.

these words are not mine.
by brenda s. duster

if she had half a brain she would hate this city.if it werent for these city-streets she wouldnt be thinking about him.or obsesssing about him.nor would she confess,far too much, to this new found confidante.
yup its all her fault.stupid city.

she has other memories too,you know.pleasant ones.of early morning solitary walks to coaching class.she'd be walking down the pavement, hands in her pocket,a little lonely perhaps ,but happy...and she'd hear someone call her name from far away.she'd turn around,smiling, happier to find someone to walk with.
lots of other memories in fact;of bonding over junk jewellery. or pretty shoes that you have to have,but can't afford.of heart to hearts, at wintry dusk,over tea that costs Rs 1.25p

but she doesnt think of those anymore.now everything ledas her back to him.all the roads and by-lanes keep going back to just this one place.

him,who she'd rather forget.or not talk about.nor obsess about.

yup its all her fault.stupid city.

a lot of my life is planned around this one thing right now.if "this" happens then i will
1)get a mobile
2)tell my parents about the guy i'm seeing
3)blog more often
4)quit smoking
5)learn to play the guitar
6)read\finish books that i was too impatient to read before
7)stick to my diet
8)start daily riyaaz again......
the list is endless
but the thing is ...that it might not happen.what will i do then?besides being utterly devastated that is .
what if all these neat sandcastles that i made come to nought?
i am really really scared.

its a strange feeling of disconnection.as if the voice in her head can't reach her tongue.or her fingers .
the lines have somehow snapped.so that no matter what she writes,or says,it seems forced.and alien.andthe voice always disagrees.

the rest of the times,its like being in a play.just sit back and enjoy.
watch the pompous ass swell up with pride at saccharine flattery.
watch the otherwise levelheaded college student reduced to a bashfultongue tied wimp.
laugh out loud when she identifies with and is teary-eyed at corny love ballads.
smile conspiratorially, when she doesnt get the joke,which is onher.

there is just so much to smile about these days.

happy new year, people!